By Hugh Wilson
Andy Roddick recently retired at 30, and research suggests that many men approach 30 with trepidation.
There was something poignant about US tennis ace Andy Roddick's decision to announce his retirement on his 30th birthday.
Roddick
is a former world number one who served and smashed his way to
prominence in 2003 when he won the US Open. But that triumph remains his
only grand slam victory, with Roddick quickly outshone by the rivalry
between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer.
He may have done it in a
blaze of publicity, but Roddick might be going through what many men
face more privately: the realisation that, as they approach 30, life
hasn't exactly gone to plan.
Roddick is much better off than most,
of course, with a model wife and money in the bank, but there's a
lingering sense that, at 30, Roddick the athlete has failed to live up
to expectations. That sense of disappointment with life is one many of
us can empathise with.
So why is 30 such a crisis point for so many men? We weigh up the evidence.
Men's suicide risk
As
they approach 30 many men feel like they don't have the job,
relationship or lifestyle they want or thought they would have. That's
been exacerbated by the economic downturn, which has made good jobs and
decent incomes hard to come by.
Further evidence is provided by
the latest study on male suicide. It found that the male suicide risk
rises dramatically when men reach 30. Twice as many men between the ages
of 30 and 60 now take their own lives than young men in their late
teens and twenties, who were long considered the most at-risk group.
Earlier
research has found that, for some men, the midlife crisis starts at 30.
Instead of turning to too-tight jeans or sports cars to help them
through the rut (as older men might do) many reach the big 3-0 and start
spending hundreds of pounds on life coaches, self-help books and
self-improvement courses.
More than a third of thirty-something
men have already seen a work colleague or friend go through a 'Bloke
Breakdown', the research found. The majority of men who responded to the
survey - 71% - claimed the midlife crisis is hitting earlier than ever.
Again,
the subtext is clear. Many men reach their 30s and start losing the
optimism and have-a-go spirit of youth. For these men, their 30th
birthday can be a time to glumly reflect on the gaping chasm between
where their youthful selves thought they'd be as they entered a fourth
decade, and where they actually are.
Why is 30 crisis time?
So
is that it? Is 30 a crisis time because many of us haven't lived up to
our own expectations? In the midlife crisis research, a majority of
respondents blamed financial worries and relationship breakdowns for
their 30-something woes.
By 30, many of us think we should be financially comfortable and romantically happy. Increasingly, that's not the case.
The
most recent research suggests the problems we face at 30 - whether
that's a job we don't enjoy or a failing relationship - can appear
insurmountable to some men in their 30s and beyond.
Experts
suggest that the decline of traditional masculine jobs and lifelong
marriages has hit men hard. They say that men often have fewer close
friends who they can turn to in times of crisis than women.
According
to the Samaritans, who commissioned the study: "Beyond the age of 30,
men have fewer supportive peer relationships than women, and are
dependent on a female partner for emotional support.
"Today, men
are less likely to have one lifelong female partner and more likely to
live alone without the social or emotional skills to fall back on, while
also facing increased economic pressures."
All this, says Stephen
Platt, professor of health policy at Edinburgh University and a
Samaritans trustee, means that men, as they move into their 30s and
beyond, are falling short of their aspirations. "One of the problems for
men is this need to aspire to a kind of gold standard of masculinity
which is often very difficult to meet."
How to take 30 in your stride
Not
all men who hit a '30 crisis' are suicidal of course (if you do feel
like that talk to your GP or the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90). Many
simply feel confused, disappointed or unsure of their futures. They may
have experienced a recent relationship split or have become dissatisfied
with their career choice.
In that case, psychology suggests a number of ways men can feel better about themselves as they reach 30 and beyond.
According
to Carl Jung, one of the fathers of modern psychotherapy, in our 30s
there should be a shift away from individual concerns such as material
wealth and towards contributing to community and humanity. In other
words, if you're feeling dissatisfied with your lot, it might be worth
giving up chasing the next pint, pay rise or one-night stand (or at
least slowing down), and tuning into what might really make life
fulfilling.
That could mean changing careers, taking up a
rewarding hobby or voluntary work, or at least taking an interest in the
wider world. What Jung seems to be saying is that when we reach 30 and
beyond, men need to start seeing the bigger picture and focusing less on
their selfish desires (without giving up on them completely, of
course).
Another great psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, believed that
satisfaction in our 30s comes from learning to form truly intimate
relationships with others in which we willingly make sacrifices and
compromises.
His advice appears similar to Jung's. We need to dig a
bit deeper, focusing less on ourselves and more on others, whether that
means our partners, family or friends.
Experts also believe that
men should stop comparing themselves with others, especially when they
hit 30. Change jobs if you need to, ditch the lover you don't love, take
up a hobby or a sport, but only do it because you want to, and not
because you think you should or because you think it might take you
closer to some unachievable ideal.
It seems that the research is
right, and that turning 30 can be a crisis time for many men. The answer
may be to focus on things that really matter, like forming good, deep
relationships and contributing to something beyond the fulfilment of our
selfish desires.
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