One of the most difficult jobs you may face as a parent is disciplining
your children, especially when they exhibit particularly challenging
behavior. And when your children are at their worst, your temper is
usually at its shortest. But the good news is that when you have
effective discipline strategies in place, you can turn negative
behaviors into positive, learning situations. Here are some things you
can try to help your children become well behaved .
1. The parent-child match: The temperament of the
'parent-child' relationship influences the likelihood of discipline
problems later on. Some parents automatically give a nurturing response
appropriate to the need level of their children. Others do not find
their response so automatic and their nurturing abilities need time to
mature. When the need level of the baby and the response level of the
parent match, discipline problems are less likely to occur and if they
do, are more easily solved. The controlling parent of a compliant child
needs to be aware not to manipulate their child into being the person
they want her to be, rather than the person she is temperamentally
suited to be. Similarly though, the laid-back parents of a
strong-willed, controlling child need to have the confidence that they
are the adults and as such, need to take charge like adults.
2. Stay connected: Stay
connected to your child. It is the nature of difficult children not to
want to obey directions; instead they regard them as a challenge. The
goal of discipline is to help these children want to obey for their sake
and yours. The connected child wants to please. This child is likely to
be more compliant if she receives attachment parenting, which
emphasizes bonding; without it, she has no reason at all to go along
with her parents.
3. Play down the negatives, play up the positives: Identify
the behavioral problems in your child's personality that need
smoothing. Focusing on the negative, however, is likely to contribute to
the already negative atmosphere that prevails. Instead, spend more time
validating the positive parts of your child's personality than
commenting on the problem areas.
4. Don't make matters worse: Temperamentally
difficult children become accustomed to labels and to being singled out
of the crowd for punishment. Soon this 'specialness' becomes their
identity. This doesn't improve their behavior, and in fact may make it
worse. According to Dr. Sears, once you put a positive 'frame' around
your child and quit focusing on the negative, you will find the two of
you getting along much better. Try positive terms such as 'spirited,'
'interesting,' 'compassionate' and 'sensitive.'
5. Diffuse Anger: Nagging,
yelling and scolding intensify the oppositional behavior of a difficult
child. Abusive punishment, especially spanking, makes a child more
difficult by making her angry and afraid of you. Do not spank your child
or use verbal and emotional 'hitting.' It devalues your child and
yourself. Rather than obeying because she wants to, she does it out of
fear. For example, if you demand that the high-need child cleans up her
room, she perceives this as a challenge. The more you punish, the more
she will not want to obey and once a difficult child becomes chronically
angry, you have a problem. Traditional correction methods such as
time-outs or withdrawing privileges, seldom work in this case.
Whether
or not a certain way of discipline is effective or not often depends
upon how you apply it. Punishment such as the withdrawal of privileges,
if accompanied by anger or revenge, will have a bad effect on the child.
If the same punishment, however, stems from a genuine concern for
shaping the behavior of the child for her own good, you will get your
point across. Discipline must focus not only on preventing a lot of
anger but also helping your child learn mechanisms to relieve her
negative feelings.
6. Threats don't work: Don't
threaten the strong-willed child; they want to obey because they want
to. It needs to be their choice. Strong-willed children do not like to
be backed into a corner and threats deprive them of their choice to
obey. Disciplining children with different temperaments is a matter of
how you sell it to them. This is why it is useful to study your child so
that you can handle each situation according to her nature.
7. Run it off: High-need
children need to release their excess energy and intense feelings in
sports or any type of physical activity. Give them lots of opportunities
for physical play, outdoors if possible. Encourage them to channel
their energy into biking or running. If you have to stay indoors, put on
some music and dance around - anything to help them get rid of their
excess energy.
8. Help your child succeed: Find
out your child's talents and desires and help her succeed at them.
Encourage her to learn skills or have a hobby such as playing a musical
instrument, excelling in sports or being creative in art and crafts.
Also, don't put her in situations which she can't handle. If restaurants
are overwhelming for example, try exposing her when she's a bit older.
9. Increase your tolerance: Temperamentally
difficult children often annoy their parents and push the wrong
buttons. They seem to strike when and where their parents are most
vulnerable. Stay one step ahead. If your child gives you a hard time
whenever you make a phone call for example, try and distract her with a
video or a book first, or make the call when she's not around.
10 For older children who don't follow your rules, try withholding privileges such as staying up to watch TV or going out with friends. You can then let them earn these things back by demonstrating positive behavior.
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